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ACT to foster happiness, peace, prosperity, and tolerance in the Middle East
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Computer Age Love Letter
A man loved a girl who studies computer science. He sent her a
letter saying:
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER Believe me it is true...
You installed the best in me. Your picture is always in my background. You
clicked my heart gently. You drive me crazy when I see you. Your love reset my
life and deleted all the sadness in me. You restored my kindness after I thought
it was corrupted. I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heartbeats per
second. You hacked my brain and registered your name in it. You are the only one
that could navigate my feelings and explore my emotions at the same time. I feel
lost when I try to call you and you are not responding.
I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open my
windows waiting for you to pass. You are the only one that can log into my heart
and never ! log out. I dream of being your only server as long as I live. You
don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each other. I see
your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my homepage and all my software. I scanned
my life and found that I'm only infected by you. You are the virus I'd never
remove, and why should I do? You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
Believe me it is true... I love you more than my CPU :)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out
until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk
containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover
with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not
soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Alcohol Warnings
Due
to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe
in heat.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite s~x without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak you tink you can tipe real gude.
Thoughts about wives...
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the
same way.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
Milton Berle
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I was married by a judge. I should have
asked for a jury.
George Burns
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and
said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a
secret.
Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I
was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I
don't like to interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he
decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife
did.
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Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then
he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son,
I'm still paying."!
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That
happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never
knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have
mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made
my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married
him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,
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The trouble with being the best man at a
wedding is that you never get to prove it.!
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A man, upon his engagement, went to his
father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you
want? sympathy?"
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in
America. The rest cheat in Europe.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
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It's not true that married men live longer
than single men. It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case,
it was almost impossible.
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I
had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman
and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out...."
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around
the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of
attention.
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A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he
can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he
gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million
dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better
prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought
jewellery.
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How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done
free.
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The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse
who is packing your parachute
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an
angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive.
Types of women:
HARD-DISK
Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman: She
forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman: Everyone
knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one
can live without her.
SCREENSAVER Woman: She
is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman: Difficult
to access.
SERVER Woman: Always
busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman: She
makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman: She
is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman: Every
ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman: Also
known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something,
if you don't try to uninstall her you will
lose everything............
Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble
again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!
Forgive your enemies but remember their names
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to
the stupidity of your action.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one that's both is dental.
Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
One Liners
01. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
02. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
03. If I save time, when do I get it back?
04. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
05. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
06. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
07.
If You Love Someone
THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....
THE NEW VERSIONS R.....
Pessimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.
Patient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat ....
C++ Programmer: if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free() if(m_she == NULL) m_she = new CShe;
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love someone, Set her free, In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love someone, Set her free, Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom
Biologist : If you love someone, Set her free, She'll evolve.
Statisticians : If you love someone, Set her free, If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans: If you love someone, Set her free, SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person : If you love someone don't set her free.
MBA : If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously
Psychologist : If you love someone set her free If she comes back her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist : If you love someone set her free If she comes back it's a nightmare If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
ERP functional expert : If you love someone set her free If she comes back, map her into your system If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis
Finance expert : If you love someone set her free If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Specialist : If you love someone set her free If she comes back she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market
Rules of life
Rule 1: Life is not fair - - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you
to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be
a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to
you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your
own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS
NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest
resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very
few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own
time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave
the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one!
THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person About any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have No fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID Headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only do you have bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of Spots, but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was lent to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your Misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide!
