Rodney Dangerfield's Best
01. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy...I'd have
had nothing to play with.
02. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.
03. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
04. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to
the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because
you came home early."
05. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to
06. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering
07. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
08. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.
09. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said,"I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite
in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times
-three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
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